piecrusts courtesy of your friend, gluten

Hey Gluten, what did you do to make everybody hate you so much? If you want to know, Luscious is a little touchy about all the gluten-free hype that’s gone on for while. Now truly, some individuals have serious gluten allergies, and for them, the Luscious gals are very happy about all the gluten-free foods now available. But there’s a lot of trash talk going on about poor Gluten, and Luscious finds that irksome (irksome was not the word Anne-Charlotte used.) Gluten is cool. Gluten is, like, magic. Gluten, the naturally developing wheat protein that gives us chewy breads and flaky pie crusts, is a badass.

Jennifer says "Kiss My Am"

Oh, food trends. Luscious suspects that some of these gluten-haters are the same people dissing much-maligned Dairy just so their friends will think they’re cool. Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer  know that a lovingly made apple pie coming out of the Luscious oven is about two million times better for you than hunk of soy cheese driven to your store in 18-wheeler.  And the girls will crank up the Foghat, drive their Trans Am to the parking lot of the trendiest gluten-free vegan establishment in San Francisco, and stand on the hood  loudly proclaiming it to every hipster going in.  That’ll show ‘em.

Okay, okay, okay. Luscious does actually make gluten-free desserts. The girls are a little fearful of gluten-free flour (what do you have to do to get the gluten out? Pact with the devil?) but some classic desserts are naturally flourless.  Luscious’ amazing chocolate truffles and meringue cookies are like crack, available for order anytime you need to free yourself from gluten.  And they make a absolutely killer chocolate souffle, but tragically, it will never be part of the Luscious menu: this delicate treat starts to deflate within a minute of coming out of the oven, so must be eaten immediately. So you can either come over to the House of Luscious and eat your souffle right there, or… make your own. Need a fabulous chocolate soufflé recipe? Voila! (that’s French for “keep scrolling.)

Luscious Chocolate Orange Soufflés
Makes individual souffles for 4 lucky ducks

Ingredients
3 large eggs.  (Get the freshest eggs you can, they’re pretty much the main ingredient)
4oz bittersweet chocolate, chopped. (The other main ingredient, so mess around here either.)
3 Tbsp butter
1 tbsp orange liqueur (we like Paula’s Texas Orange)
1 tsp orange zest (optional)
1/8 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 cup sugar

Firstly, butter 4 lovely ramekins, then dust the sides and bottom with sugar. This will give your little souffles something to grab ahold of as they bake up. Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees.

Then separate the eggs. Yeah, it’s kind of a pain, so just get it over with. If you’re OCD like Luscious, wash your hands about 20 times during this process to prevent salmonella contamination. The whites should go in a medium-sized bowl, you’ll beat these in a bit so you need some room. Going ahead and beats those lovely yolks.

Yolks and whites, separate but equal.

Put the chocolate, butter, and orange liquer in a large glass bowl. Melt in a double boiler, or microwave in 15 second increments, stirring in between microwavings, until melted and smooth. Don’t try to get crazy and go for 30 seconds just to see what happens. What will happen is, you’ll waste a bunch of good chocolate by scorching it. When it’s melted, set aside for 10 minutes to cool.

Mmmm. choco-licious.

Now, get going on the egg whites. Beat on medium speed until foamy. No, a little foamier than that– give it another minute. Then add the cream of tartar and beat until soft peaks form. Next, add the sugar GRADUALLY and keep beating just until you get stiff peaks. That’s what she said. Hey, look, it’s meringue!

Look at those egg whites now!

Stir the egg yolks into the cooled chocolate. Stir in about a third of the meringue, then fold in the rest until just incorporated. Be gentle here, to preserve the structure of the meringue you just spent time on.

Butter 4 individual ramekins, then dust with sugar. Evenly distribute the chocolate mixture among the ramekins.  At this point you can cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for up to a day and half. (This makes an awesome make ahead dessert for a dinner party.)  When you’re ready to serve, pop ‘em in the oven, bake for 20 minutes until puffed and set. For the love of God, don’t open the oven until you’re pretty sure they’re done.  Dust with powdered sugar or drizzle with orange sauce (see below). Eat, eat!

Puffy and creamy and chocolately, couldn't you just die?

Orange Sauce
2 tablespoons orange liquer
zest and juice of one orange
3 tablespoons orange marmalade
dash of ginger (optional)
Combine all ingredients in a sauce pan, cook on medium heat until bubbly and somewhat reduced, about 10 minutes.

Holiday survival elixir

Luscious struggles painfully with Christmas, and not just because Anne-Charlotte embarrasses Jennifer by turning around every time somebody says “Ho! Ho!”   Don’t try to start an argument with Luscious about this being “the most wondeful time of the year.” We will win, here’s why:
- Black Friday fistfights make the Baby Jesus cry.
- 3 out of 5 children are annually traumatized by witnessing their parents argue over how to put the lights on what becomes referred to as “the goddamned tree.”
- Every woman over the age of 26 is expected to dash around like Martha Stewart on diet pills creating a holiday wonderland at home, the office, and school until she’s ready to throw a Christmas elf down a staircase.
- You might to get spend 3 straight days with your crazy family at a time of year you’re likely to get snowed in. See who survives. Alternatively, you can call your mom and say you’re not coming to visit, for a crushing dose of holiday guilt.

In the midst of this hell, we are often at this time of year admonished not to “overindulge.”  Um, okay… if this means we’re not supposed to anxiously medicate ourselves with fudge and spiked eggnog, well, then just give Luscious a second to  put down our cocktail and grab our bible. Checking… no, nowhere in here does it specifically say that Jesus doesn’t want us celebrating his birthday with thumbprint cookies and Jack Daniels.

In fact, sometimes, when we we drink a lot Jesus talks to us, and says “go get out the butter.”   And we do. Order your holiday boxes now:

Carmelitas and Peppermint Brownies

Gift box: 4 big bars or 8 petite bars in a cutie be-ribboned gift box- $10. 
Party box: 1 dozen big bars or 24 petite bars boxed and ready for your holiday party, $24

choose from….

Chocolate Peppermint brownies
The perfect holiday treat– decadent, mint-infused  melty fudge brownies.

Buttered Oat Carmelitas
Our incredible homemade caramel make these a perpetual favorite with Luscious customers. Buttery rich caramel, chocolate, pecans, oat streusel.

Plus… Luscious Chai gift tins and jars!

Limited quantites! To order, contact us by email yummy@lusciouspastry.com 

Luscious Valentine's Truffles

Our Valentine’s gift to you: our favorite truffle recipe. This originally appeared in the newsletter of the neighborhood in which Luscious resides. Because it contained none our typical references to alcohol and drugs or even a single 4-letter word, we thought it was, like, Sunday school conservative. Nonetheless, all the snarky bits got edited out and it sounded like Suzanne Sommers wrote the fucking thing. So here it is, in its entirety.

So. Some people think they’re too socially conscious or something for Valentine’s Day, because “it’s a hyped up Hallmark holiday and I show my love all year long, not just on one day, blah, blah.”  Ummm, whatever—did you say something about love, we stopped listening. Valentine’s day is about one thing: chocolate. Make your sweetie some of these easy, homemade, earl grey infused truffles, and then give him/her/it irresistible doe-eyed looks until they share them with you.

Ingredients:
2/3 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons salted butter, cut into a few pieces
4 Earl Grey tea bags; the better quality the tea, the more fragrant your truffles will be
6 oz. bittersweet chocolate
6 oz. semisweet chocolate
(use the best chocolate, like El Rey or Scharfenberger, you can get. Remember, the plan is to eat half of these yourself)

Coatings
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup finely crushed almonds
1/2 cup powdered sugar

Bring the cream and butter to a boil, then turn heat to low, a bare simmer at the most. Put the tea bags in the cream (dangle the tags off the side or snip them off) and let that steep for about 10 minutes. Take out the tea bags.

While you’re impatiently waiting for the tea to steep in the cream, chop up the chocolate very fine, or be lazy and put it a food processor. Have a whisk at hand. Put the chocolate in a sturdy glass bowl, then pour the warm cream through a fine mesh sieve over the chocolate and whisk like crazy until the chocolate melts and the mixture is smooth. At this point, try not to just grab a spoon start eating. Exercise restraint and place the bowl in the fridge. Then go find something productive to for about 30 minutes to an hour or more, until the chocolate is firm enough to roll into little balls, as that’s what you’ll do next.

Put the cocoa powder, crushed almonds, and powdered sugar into individual small bowls.  Lay out a sheet of wax paper on a baking sheet. Use a spoon or a small ice cream scoop, or a melon baller (okay, you probably don’t have a melon baller) and scoop out about a 1″ inch diameter hunk of the chocolate mixture, then roll around in your hand to make a ball. Then roll your little chocolate ball in one of your 3 coatings, put it on the wax paper, and voilá, a truffle. Continue until you use all the chocolate mix, varying your coatings. You may need to wipe your hand frequently, this can get messy.  During this process, eat at least two truffles for quality assurance purposes. Note: it’s best to keep the truffles refrigerated.

For a fancy presentation, you can get candy boxes and the little pleated brown candy cups at baking supply or art/hobby stores.

xoxo
Luscious

SURVIVOR:WHERE THE HELL ARE WE NOW?

Host: Luscious Tribe, for your first challenge, we want you to wade through this mucky swamp where goats poop, to the other side where you’ll eat a big bowl of grubs and the “creme” from the middle of Twinkies.

Anne-Charlotte: Are you kidding?

Host: Um….

Anne-Charlotte: Hell, no, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.  If you want me, I’ll be over by the lagoon reading my copy of Southern Divorcée Magazine.

Host: Uh…Jennifer?

Jennifer: No, thanks. But I did find a way to make brownies out of  yucca root and taro powder, would you like one?

THE APPRENTICE

Donald Trump: Luscious, did you complete your first assignment?

Jennifer: Well… not exactly. But we did make a you a Vanilla Rum Bundt Cake!

Anne-Charlotte: Actually, here’s the deal. We can’t look at your hair anymore. Please just take the damn cake and fire us.

Donald Trump: Done.

So then, some young, hip, but misguided Hollywood producers heard about “the Luscious girls”  and got the idea to make a sexy reality show called Real Housewives of North Central Austin. You’ll be unsurprised to learn this was cancelled after two episodes, when the deeply disappointed film crew realized there were no catfights or lingerie shopping going on, only tired moms discussing NPR articles and biking to PTA meetings.  When the producers failed to even whip Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte into an argument over who would get to deliver a batch of Carmelitas to the cute manager at TacoDeli north (Anne-Charlotte: “Just let Jennifer do it, it’s her turn and anyway I have to clean out the cat box.”), the frustrated show creators threw in the towel and are now pursuing a hopefully more titillating series about organic gardening enthusiasts in Travis Heights.

Finally, the Luscious Pastry mamacitas were called in as last minute replacements on the ROCK OF LOVE, which resulted in a good deal of puzzlement on the part of Brett Michaels, and pure horror on the part of Luscious.

Brett: Heyyyy Luscioussssss, why are you hiding here in the kitchen? Let’s play some strip poker with the other girls!

Anne-Charlotte: (whimper)

Jennifer: Oh, gee, uh, we would, uh, love to, but we have some cappuccino cheesecake squares in the oven right now…

Brett: Well, I would definitely like to get my lips on your cheesecake, let’s discuss  it in the hot tub.

Anne-Charlotte: (muffled scream)

Brett: What’s wrong baby, how about a backrub?

Anne-Charlotte: OH MY GOD, HE TOUCHED ME! I’M INFECTED! I’VE CONTRACTED GONORRHEA! SOMEBODY DOUSE ME IN GRAIN ALCOHOL!!

Jennifer: Ahem. Brett, why don’t you sit down and have a chocolate pecan pie bar, and we’ll talk about that guyliner.

Yeah, so that was pretty much a fucking trainwreck. Both of our Luscious heroines are way too classy for the reality TV circuit, even Anne-Charlotte.  So Luscious  Pastry will be spending the fall staying away from the cameras, whipping up those yummy desserts and wedding cakes, and fending off repeat marriage proposals from Brett Michaels, who, like everyone else, just can’t get enough Luscious.

why? why? why????

- The Olsen twins, and why they dress so badly. Seriously, what is the point of being the wealthiest elves in the world if you wear clothes that look like they came straight off the Dillard’s clearance rack in 1988?

- The Luscious blog stats which report that some individuals have inadvertently been lead to the site by using keywords like “Jungle Room Decor”, “Kitchen Safety”, and “Hot Chicks.” The hot chick guy must have felt pretty let down, unless he also likes pictures of Dr. Pepper Cake.

- The $40 “Crack Pie” sold by Momofuku in New York, and their biggest fan, Anderson Cooper, who would probably pay $50 if it had a shiny surface in which he could see his own reflection.

- What a crummy reality show Luscious Pastry would make, because nobody gets in screaming arguments or makes out with Bret Michaels in a hot tub. Eewww, Bret Michaels and baking do not go together.

- Sarah Palin, but there was just too much material and Jennifer started to hyperventilate.

- Dolly Parton and how she totally kicks ass and is the Tennessee Whisky Pecan Pie Bar of the country music world, but Anne-Charlotte kept watching the “I will always love you” video over and over again while dabbing away tears, and ran out of time to blog.

There was also some discussion of blogging about food and baking. Well, actually, no there wasn’t, because everybody already knows about the super deliciousness being concocted weekly by our Luscious heroines. Besides, you can’t eat a blog.

please feed me

 
It’s old news that a couple of months ago, ultra-skinny and beautiful supermodel Kate Moss told the world  her mantra is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”  Jesus, Kate, you’re such a bitch. Luscious totally loves that. First Miss Moss upsets everybody being so thin she makes Linda Evangelista look like a cow; then is videotaped snorting about 40 lines of coke in 6 minutes and explains it by saying something like ‘what else am I gonna do with all this money, give it to charity?’, and  finally shows how sorry she is about it all by making an off-the-cuff remark that caused riots to break out at every Applebees in America. Kate Moss, you are our kind of trailer park kung fu bad girl.

Thusly, the Luscious girls immediately set to making Kate a complimentary batch of Chocolate Peanut Butter Badgirl Bars. Not to prove her wrong, because that’s obvious, but because Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer thought she deserved them, and that she also really needs to eat.

Just as they were dropping that package of bars in the FedEx box, Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer looked at each other, gasped in horror, and snatched those bars from the jaws of the dropbox at the last second. They’d both had the same horrible thought:

– Kate is going to go crazy for those  Bad Girl Bars — we already know she has an addictive personality — she’ll throw over cocaine in favor of chocolate and peanuts, eating them constantly and sometimes even pathetically trying to cook up her own bars, but never again getting the feeling of that first high — her weight will balloon, her modeling career will be over, and she start living on the streets– Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer will feel so bad about it that they’ll fly Kate to Texas, and let her take turns living with them in a sort of bizarre joint custody agreement…

…And then…

–constant exposure to Luscious baked goods will only worsen Kate’s addictions, and she’ll be constantly digging through the fridge wearing her heroin chic mini skirt and high-heeled boots, even though she now weighs 300 pounds–the Luscious husbands will be angrily saying “who ate all the Dr. Pepper Cake?? And all the bacon??!!” and the sad Luscious children will be saying “Mama, at school when I opened my lunchbox, somebody had already eaten everything” — photographers from the National Enquirer will always be skulking around the backyard trying to snap Kate’s picture for a joint article with Kirstie Ally and the captions will say things like “Kate Moss eats Texas State Capitol Building” — and it would just be really, really bad, y’all.

coke-onut

Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte are so completely rattled by what they’d almost unleashed, they can’t even look at chocolate or peanut butter right now. They can’t even think about brown sugar or egg yolks. So… This Thursday at Violet Crown Supper Club:  Coconut Cake with pineapple filling by the slice. Light, fluffy, and pure white as, um…

Yes, this is the cookie that won the big Statesman cookie contest,  even garnering a picture on the front page of the Food section! This has been a big problem for the Luscious gals, because Jennifer is really sick of listening to Anne-Charlotte whine, moan, and complain about what a terrible picture it is. It use to be said that a lady should only appear in the newspaper 3 times: when she is born, when she dies, and when she is standing around looking like a total goofball and holding a big platter of cookies. Anne-Charlotte is on track with this, as you can see:

Who is that freak with the cookies?

Jennifer got tired of telling Anne-Charlotte “You don’t really look like a dork in real life, um, all that often,” and finally suggested that some light re-touching of the photo might make Miss ACP feel a whole lot better. The Luscious blog agrees, so as a special favor we gently made some light photographic tweaks that diminished some of the effects of harsh lighting and the deer-in-the-headlights-because-I-don’t-get-out-much facial expression. Here’s the new photo, see if you can spot the subtle airbrushing:

all better now!

Come get your Dulcitas today friends, and email yummy@lusciouspastry.com if you want some set aside for you– selling out is a distinct possibility.

So this year, to try to set things straight, Anne-Charlotte told Jennifer about her, um, idea that they should cook up a giant pot of excellent black-eyed peas, and Luscious Pastry could offer them for New Year’s Day, and it would be really funny in a politcally incorrect sort of way if they called them Anne-Charlotte’s The South Shall Rise Again Black-Eyed Peas. Oh dear. Jennifer gently explained that this was a very bad idea because A: that is a terrible name, what the hell are you thinking? B: black-eyed peas are, while tasty, not dessert, not Pastry, and not particularly Luscious; and  C: you can’t bring Farrah back.

 So in the end, Anne-Charlotte apologized for including a vaguely  offensive phrase on the blog that, rather than being funny, will in fact cause the Luscious site to get search engine hits from every lunatic skinhead in Alabama (although we expect a Bama-wide surge in political progressiveness and baking as a result), and suggested that Luscious just bake some scones. Now that sounds lucky. This weekend, you can usher in 2010 with a favorite from 2009: Luscious Cinnamon-Eggnog Scones. The eggnog season is almost over friends, and that means this is your last chance for these divine scones until next winter.  Mmmm, what a luscious beginning for a new year!
Half-dozen fresh-baked Cinnamon Eggnog Scones:  $9. Throw in a jar of Luscious Chai for just $9 also. Order at yummy@luscious.com.

And, here’s a little something for good luck…

Luscious, naturally, has not forgotten Thanksgiving, and not just because we love pie. The Luscious Pastry gals have taken stock of some of the things for which they give mucho thanks. Of course they’re thankful for all the regular stuff like their families and friends and oxygen, but here’s the interesting bits:

Jennifer is thankful for:
- Surviving junior high school
- Living in the ATX, yo!
- A smokin’ pair of green bandana wedge sandals recently purchased for $7 -SCORE! 
- Anne-Charlotte, even though she’s both a redneck AND and an uptight yuppie

Anne-Charlotte is thankful for:
- Jennifer, even though she’s both a Californian AND a yankee
- Bourbon
- the fact don’t that her parents don’t read this blog
- Tammy Wynette and George Jones, in that order 

Actually, bourbon almost didn’t make the list, because last Saturday night, one of our Luscious heroines was reminded that the amber libation can be both a friend and an enemy. But the following Sunday morning’s activity provided her with these two revelations:

1. If you are to awaken with the sensation that a railroad spike is being driven through your temples, and your husband for some reason suddenly decides, for the first time in 6 months, that the whole family needs to get up and go to church RIGHT NOW, well, you should just get out of that bed, put on some lip gloss, get over there and shake hands with all the elderly churchgoers, and sit quietly in the pew concentrating on the parts of your body that don’t hurt, like your toes and elbows. Because then you’ve won the unspoken argument about whether or not you should get to go out with the girls, and you have also proven what a badass you are.

2. Bourbon can’t hurt you if it’s baked into a pie. 

It’s a fact that pecans have a special affinity for the flavor of fine bourbon, and the whiskey provides a subtle counterpoint to the brown sugar that forms the base of pecan pie filling. Add a little chocolate, and that’s one Luscious pie. Consequently, we’re offering the following for Thanksgiving:
- Chocolate-Infused Kentucky Bourbon Pecan Pie  ($21)
- Gingered Pumpkin Tart, a sumptuous version of the classic ($21)
- Bacon Cheddar Muffins, so good they’ll make your turkey weep with jealousy. ($12 for a big batch)

If you’d like to grace your Thanksgiving table with one or more of these fine items, place your order at yummy@lusciouspastry.com. We’ll be taking orders right up until late evening on Monday, Nov 23rd. Pick up will be Wednesday afternoon, Nov. 25, or we can arrange delivery for a teensy charge.

The Luscious gals have also recently received their food handler and kitchen manager training and certification from the fair City of Austin. This helpful training taught, among other things, that compulsive handwashing is not necessarily a sign of a mental disaorder, but is in fact perfectly okay!  Cleanliness-conscious Luscious finds this reassuring, especially since at least one member of the Luscious team washes her hands so often that the FBI once had difficulty fingerprinting her….but let’s not go into that.

But the best part of the training, far and away, was this “What not to do in the kitchen” graphic. No humorous introduction needed, it speaks for itself.

Do you see anything amiss here?

Wow, is that not the best thing you’ve seen all week? You know, Luscious actually did not need to “scroll over the arrows” in the picture to note that one should not smoke while preparing food, or allow one’s pet cat, however adorable and tired, to sleep on the food prep counter. Also, probably not a good a idea to just leave that raw steak laying around. But we would like to know what’s in the chef’s pink cup.

But don’t worry, with everything going on, we still have time to bake for you.  This very weekend, Luscious Pastry will be offering our fine Pecan Pie Bars as part of the concessions for our neighborhood’s play, Rumplestilskin. That’s tomorrow, food at 4pm and play at 5pm, at the Brentwood Park Stage. Both the bars and the play will be fabulous. ALSO– do you need something toothsome to take to that Halloween party? Wouldn’t a dozen Bleeding Devil’s Food Cupcakes be just the thing? Luscious can hook you up, email us at yummy@lusciouspastry.com.