Well, Luscious made barely a peep over the summer, causing the rumors to swirl. It was widely believed that Jennifer was having in DC having a scandalous affair with Ben Bernanke (strangely enough, not true), and that Anne-Charlotte was, yawn, in rehab (no, not yet.) The fact is, their agent decided that the best way to really explode Luscious in the fame stratosphere was through the tried and true pathway of reality television. The Luscious girls were afraid that this was a bad idea, and they were absolutely correct. Some outtakes:
SURVIVOR:WHERE THE HELL ARE WE NOW?
Host: Luscious Tribe, for your first challenge, we want you to wade through this mucky swamp where goats poop, to the other side where you’ll eat a big bowl of grubs and the “creme” from the middle of Twinkies.
Anne-Charlotte: Are you kidding?
Host: Um….
Anne-Charlotte: Hell, no, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. If you want me, I’ll be over by the lagoon reading my copy of Southern Divorcée Magazine.
Host: Uh…Jennifer?
Jennifer: No, thanks. But I did find a way to make brownies out of yucca root and taro powder, would you like one?
THE APPRENTICE
Donald Trump: Luscious, did you complete your first assignment?
Jennifer: Well… not exactly. But we did make a you a Vanilla Rum Bundt Cake!
Anne-Charlotte: Actually, here’s the deal. We can’t look at your hair anymore. Please just take the damn cake and fire us.
Donald Trump: Done.
So then, some young, hip, but misguided Hollywood producers heard about “the Luscious girls” and got the idea to make a sexy reality show called Real Housewives of North Central Austin. You’ll be unsurprised to learn this was cancelled after two episodes, when the deeply disappointed film crew realized there were no catfights or lingerie shopping going on, only tired moms discussing NPR articles and biking to PTA meetings. When the producers failed to even whip Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte into an argument over who would get to deliver a batch of Carmelitas to the cute manager at TacoDeli north (Anne-Charlotte: “Just let Jennifer do it, it’s her turn and anyway I have to clean out the cat box.”), the frustrated show creators threw in the towel and are now pursuing a hopefully more titillating series about organic gardening enthusiasts in Travis Heights.
Finally, the Luscious Pastry mamacitas were called in as last minute replacements on the ROCK OF LOVE, which resulted in a good deal of puzzlement on the part of Brett Michaels, and pure horror on the part of Luscious.
Brett: Heyyyy Luscioussssss, why are you hiding here in the kitchen? Let’s play some strip poker with the other girls!
Anne-Charlotte: (whimper)
Jennifer: Oh, gee, uh, we would, uh, love to, but we have some cappuccino cheesecake squares in the oven right now…
Brett: Well, I would definitely like to get my lips on your cheesecake, let’s discuss it in the hot tub.
Anne-Charlotte: (muffled scream)
Brett: What’s wrong baby, how about a backrub?
Anne-Charlotte: OH MY GOD, HE TOUCHED ME! I’M INFECTED! I’VE CONTRACTED GONORRHEA! SOMEBODY DOUSE ME IN GRAIN ALCOHOL!!
Jennifer: Ahem. Brett, why don’t you sit down and have a chocolate pecan pie bar, and we’ll talk about that guyliner.
Yeah, so that was pretty much a fucking trainwreck. Both of our Luscious heroines are way too classy for the reality TV circuit, even Anne-Charlotte. So Luscious Pastry will be spending the fall staying away from the cameras, whipping up those yummy desserts and wedding cakes, and fending off repeat marriage proposals from Brett Michaels, who, like everyone else, just can’t get enough Luscious.
