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please feed me

 

 
It’s old news that a couple of months ago, ultra-skinny and beautiful supermodel Kate Moss told the world  her mantra is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”  Jesus, Kate, you’re such a bitch. Luscious totally loves that. First Miss Moss upsets everybody being so thin she makes Linda Evangelista look like a cow; then is videotaped snorting about 40 lines of coke in 6 minutes and explains it by saying something like ‘what else am I gonna do with all this money, give it to charity?’, and  finally shows how sorry she is about it all by making an off-the-cuff remark that caused riots to break out at every Applebees in America. Kate Moss, you are our kind of trailer park kung fu bad girl.

Thusly, the Luscious girls immediately set to making Kate a complimentary batch of Chocolate Peanut Butter Badgirl Bars. Not to prove her wrong, because that’s obvious, but because Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer thought she deserved them, and that she also really needs to eat.

Just as they were dropping that package of bars in the FedEx box, Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer looked at each other, gasped in horror, and snatched those bars from the jaws of the dropbox at the last second. They’d both had the same horrible thought:

— Kate is going to go crazy for those  Bad Girl Bars — we already know she has an addictive personality — she’ll throw over cocaine in favor of chocolate and peanuts, eating them constantly and sometimes even pathetically trying to cook up her own bars, but never again getting the feeling of that first high — her weight will balloon, her modeling career will be over, and she start living on the streets– Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer will feel so bad about it that they’ll fly Kate to Texas, and let her take turns living with them in a sort of bizarre joint custody agreement…

…And then…

–constant exposure to Luscious baked goods will only worsen Kate’s addictions, and she’ll be constantly digging through the fridge wearing her heroin chic mini skirt and high-heeled boots, even though she now weighs 300 pounds–the Luscious husbands will be angrily saying “who ate all the Dr. Pepper Cake?? And all the bacon??!!” and the sad Luscious children will be saying “Mama, at school when I opened my lunchbox, somebody had already eaten everything” — photographers from the National Enquirer will always be skulking around the backyard trying to snap Kate’s picture for a joint article with Kirstie Ally and the captions will say things like “Kate Moss eats Texas State Capitol Building” — and it would just be really, really bad, y’all.

coke-onut

 

Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte are so completely rattled by what they’d almost unleashed, they can’t even look at chocolate or peanut butter right now. They can’t even think about brown sugar or egg yolks. So… This Thursday at Violet Crown Supper Club:  Coconut Cake with pineapple filling by the slice. Light, fluffy, and pure white as, um…

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