Luscious is the New Heroin

27 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by in Luscious desserts

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please feed me

 

 
It’s old news that a couple of months ago, ultra-skinny and beautiful supermodel Kate Moss told the world  her mantra is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”  Jesus, Kate, you’re such a bitch. Luscious totally loves that. First Miss Moss upsets everybody being so thin she makes Linda Evangelista look like a cow; then is videotaped snorting about 40 lines of coke in 6 minutes and explains it by saying something like ‘what else am I gonna do with all this money, give it to charity?’, and  finally shows how sorry she is about it all by making an off-the-cuff remark that caused riots to break out at every Applebees in America. Kate Moss, you are our kind of trailer park kung fu bad girl.

Thusly, the Luscious girls immediately set to making Kate a complimentary batch of Chocolate Peanut Butter Badgirl Bars. Not to prove her wrong, because that’s obvious, but because Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer thought she deserved them, and that she also really needs to eat.

Just as they were dropping that package of bars in the FedEx box, Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer looked at each other, gasped in horror, and snatched those bars from the jaws of the dropbox at the last second. They’d both had the same horrible thought:

— Kate is going to go crazy for those  Bad Girl Bars — we already know she has an addictive personality — she’ll throw over cocaine in favor of chocolate and peanuts, eating them constantly and sometimes even pathetically trying to cook up her own bars, but never again getting the feeling of that first high — her weight will balloon, her modeling career will be over, and she start living on the streets– Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer will feel so bad about it that they’ll fly Kate to Texas, and let her take turns living with them in a sort of bizarre joint custody agreement…

…And then…

–constant exposure to Luscious baked goods will only worsen Kate’s addictions, and she’ll be constantly digging through the fridge wearing her heroin chic mini skirt and high-heeled boots, even though she now weighs 300 pounds–the Luscious husbands will be angrily saying “who ate all the Dr. Pepper Cake?? And all the bacon??!!” and the sad Luscious children will be saying “Mama, at school when I opened my lunchbox, somebody had already eaten everything” — photographers from the National Enquirer will always be skulking around the backyard trying to snap Kate’s picture for a joint article with Kirstie Ally and the captions will say things like “Kate Moss eats Texas State Capitol Building” — and it would just be really, really bad, y’all.

coke-onut

 

Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte are so completely rattled by what they’d almost unleashed, they can’t even look at chocolate or peanut butter right now. They can’t even think about brown sugar or egg yolks. So… This Thursday at Violet Crown Supper Club:  Coconut Cake with pineapple filling by the slice. Light, fluffy, and pure white as, um…

Not ready for our close-up

14 Thursday Jan 2010

Posted by in Luscious desserts

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Luscious Pastry will be guest-starring at Violet Crown Supper Club again today!  Stop by 1916 Redlands anytime from 4:30-6:30 this evening to grab some of the Fried’s stellar take-out fare, and don’t forget dessert: Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte baked up a big batch of their Chocolate Dulce de Leche Bars with Sea-Salt Caramel, which they are now calling Dulcitas, for short.  We think the Austin-American Statesman put it nicely when they described them as “a savory bar topped with chocolate dulce de leche, a drizzle of caramel and a sprinkle of salt.”  

Yes, this is the cookie that won the big Statesman cookie contest,  even garnering a picture on the front page of the Food section! This has been a big problem for the Luscious gals, because Jennifer is really sick of listening to Anne-Charlotte whine, moan, and complain about what a terrible picture it is. It use to be said that a lady should only appear in the newspaper 3 times: when she is born, when she dies, and when she is standing around looking like a total goofball and holding a big platter of cookies. Anne-Charlotte is on track with this, as you can see:

Who is that freak with the cookies?

 

Jennifer got tired of telling Anne-Charlotte “You don’t really look like a dork in real life, um, all that often,” and finally suggested that some light re-touching of the photo might make Miss ACP feel a whole lot better. The Luscious blog agrees, so as a special favor we gently made some light photographic tweaks that diminished some of the effects of harsh lighting and the deer-in-the-headlights-because-I-don’t-get-out-much facial expression. Here’s the new photo, see if you can spot the subtle airbrushing:

all better now!

 

Come get your Dulcitas today friends, and email yummy@lusciouspastry.com if you want some set aside for you– selling out is a distinct possibility.

Luscious gets lucky.

29 Tuesday Dec 2009

Posted by in Luscious holiday

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As a tiny child, Anne-Charlotte was taught that the eating of  black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day is imperative for good luck. Forgo the BEPs, and you better set your expectations for a spectacularly crummy year. This may sound like a silly Southern superstition, but consider the evidence. Late last December, Anne-Charlotte went to New Zealand and FORGOT that can of black eyed peas she meant to pack for New Year’s Day, and look what happened this year: the whole economy went completely to hell and Farrah Fawcett died. (Anne-Charlotte would like to apologize to everyone, especially Ryan O’Neal.)

So this year, to try to set things straight, Anne-Charlotte told Jennifer about her, um, idea that they should cook up a giant pot of excellent black-eyed peas, and Luscious Pastry could offer them for New Year’s Day, and it would be really funny in a politcally incorrect sort of way if they called them Anne-Charlotte’s The South Shall Rise Again Black-Eyed Peas. Oh dear. Jennifer gently explained that this was a very bad idea because A: that is a terrible name, what the hell are you thinking? B: black-eyed peas are, while tasty, not dessert, not Pastry, and not particularly Luscious; and  C: you can’t bring Farrah back.

 So in the end, Anne-Charlotte apologized for including a vaguely  offensive phrase on the blog that, rather than being funny, will in fact cause the Luscious site to get search engine hits from every lunatic skinhead in Alabama (although we expect a Bama-wide surge in political progressiveness and baking as a result), and suggested that Luscious just bake some scones. Now that sounds lucky. This weekend, you can usher in 2010 with a favorite from 2009: Luscious Cinnamon-Eggnog Scones. The eggnog season is almost over friends, and that means this is your last chance for these divine scones until next winter.  Mmmm, what a luscious beginning for a new year!
Half-dozen fresh-baked Cinnamon Eggnog Scones:  $9. Throw in a jar of Luscious Chai for just $9 also. Order at yummy@luscious.com.

And, here’s a little something for good luck…

That’s “Luscious” not “Lushes”

17 Tuesday Nov 2009

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Luscious wants you to learn from our mistakes, hence this advice: do not try to purchase your Halloween costume at Target on October 30th. Unless, that is, you enjoy listening to “White Christmas” on a 90 degree day while sadly digging through a forlorn pile of Halloween gear that’s been dumped in the corner to make room for… Christmas decorations?  Pardon our dismay, dear Target, Walmart, and Lowes, but could you let us get one toe out the door to trick-or-treat before beating us over the heads with flocked artificial trees? Did you forget that we’ve actually got another holiday first? Remember Thanksgiving??

Luscious, naturally, has not forgotten Thanksgiving, and not just because we love pie. The Luscious Pastry gals have taken stock of some of the things for which they give mucho thanks. Of course they’re thankful for all the regular stuff like their families and friends and oxygen, but here’s the interesting bits:

Jennifer is thankful for:
– Surviving junior high school
– Living in the ATX, yo!
– A smokin’ pair of green bandana wedge sandals recently purchased for $7 -SCORE! 
– Anne-Charlotte, even though she’s both a redneck AND and an uptight yuppie

Anne-Charlotte is thankful for:
– Jennifer, even though she’s both a Californian AND a yankee
– Bourbon
– the fact don’t that her parents don’t read this blog
– Tammy Wynette and George Jones, in that order 

Actually, bourbon almost didn’t make the list, because last Saturday night, one of our Luscious heroines was reminded that the amber libation can be both a friend and an enemy. But the following Sunday morning’s activity provided her with these two revelations:

1. If you are to awaken with the sensation that a railroad spike is being driven through your temples, and your husband for some reason suddenly decides, for the first time in 6 months, that the whole family needs to get up and go to church RIGHT NOW, well, you should just get out of that bed, put on some lip gloss, get over there and shake hands with all the elderly churchgoers, and sit quietly in the pew concentrating on the parts of your body that don’t hurt, like your toes and elbows. Because then you’ve won the unspoken argument about whether or not you should get to go out with the girls, and you have also proven what a badass you are.

2. Bourbon can’t hurt you if it’s baked into a pie. 

It’s a fact that pecans have a special affinity for the flavor of fine bourbon, and the whiskey provides a subtle counterpoint to the brown sugar that forms the base of pecan pie filling. Add a little chocolate, and that’s one Luscious pie. Consequently, we’re offering the following for Thanksgiving:
– Chocolate-Infused Kentucky Bourbon Pecan Pie  ($21)
– Gingered Pumpkin Tart, a sumptuous version of the classic ($21)
– Bacon Cheddar Muffins, so good they’ll make your turkey weep with jealousy. ($12 for a big batch)

If you’d like to grace your Thanksgiving table with one or more of these fine items, place your order at yummy@lusciouspastry.com. We’ll be taking orders right up until late evening on Monday, Nov 23rd. Pick up will be Wednesday afternoon, Nov. 25, or we can arrange delivery for a teensy charge.

Safety first

16 Friday Oct 2009

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It may seem that Luscious has been a bit quiet lately, but as a matter of fact, Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte have been busy little beavers with business matters. They’ve been having grown-up meetings with people, filling out tedious paperwork for this and that, and they even got a checking account and credit card together. Jennifer said Anne-Charlotte could keep the credit card, but first Jennifer made her promise not to use it for Dolly Parton CD’s (“You have enough!”) and outfits consisting of age-inappropriately tight clothing (“You have way more than enough!”) .

The Luscious gals have also recently received their food handler and kitchen manager training and certification from the fair City of Austin. This helpful training taught, among other things, that compulsive handwashing is not necessarily a sign of a mental disaorder, but is in fact perfectly okay!  Cleanliness-conscious Luscious finds this reassuring, especially since at least one member of the Luscious team washes her hands so often that the FBI once had difficulty fingerprinting her….but let’s not go into that.

But the best part of the training, far and away, was this “What not to do in the kitchen” graphic. No humorous introduction needed, it speaks for itself.

Can you spot the trouble spots here?

Do you see anything amiss here?

 

Wow, is that not the best thing you’ve seen all week? You know, Luscious actually did not need to “scroll over the arrows” in the picture to note that one should not smoke while preparing food, or allow one’s pet cat, however adorable and tired, to sleep on the food prep counter. Also, probably not a good a idea to just leave that raw steak laying around. But we would like to know what’s in the chef’s pink cup.

But don’t worry, with everything going on, we still have time to bake for you.  This very weekend, Luscious Pastry will be offering our fine Pecan Pie Bars as part of the concessions for our neighborhood’s play, Rumplestilskin. That’s tomorrow, food at 4pm and play at 5pm, at the Brentwood Park Stage. Both the bars and the play will be fabulous. ALSO– do you need something toothsome to take to that Halloween party? Wouldn’t a dozen Bleeding Devil’s Food Cupcakes be just the thing? Luscious can hook you up, email us at yummy@lusciouspastry.com.

Helping a friend in need: Giving Chai

09 Friday Oct 2009

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No sassy remarks today, kind readers, only a heartfelt note from gentle Jennifer. 
with love,
Anne-Charlotte 

Dear Friends,

A friend and former neighbor whom I admire and like a whole lot has been doing battle with cancer for some time. Needless to say, she is one pooped pup.  I have another friend and current (yea!) neighbor who is trying to arrange a super-fantastic rejuvenating healing massage for this lovely woman.  I would like to pitch in to pay for it.  So I’m looking for ways to maximize my giving.  I’m also always looking for ways to introduce my friends to luscious stuff. Here’s what I’ve come up with:  Giving Chai.  Luscious has been working on a chai mix that we like a lot.  It’s sweet, it’s a little spicy and it’s perfect for fall weather which we finally, thankfully have here in Austin.  Yea!  So, if you’re interested in trying the Chai mix we have individual servings for $1.  All proceeds go toward the massage.  We’ll be making this mix available for holiday time, so sample it now (give us feedback on any tweaks you’d recommend) and help a dear mama get some good hands on support.

So if you’re interested, give us a shout at yummy@lusciouspastry.com, and we will get your Giving Chai right to you.

Thanks and big love,
Jennifer