Tag Archives: humor

Luscious is the New Heroin

27 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by in Luscious desserts

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please feed me

 

 
It’s old news that a couple of months ago, ultra-skinny and beautiful supermodel Kate Moss told the world  her mantra is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”  Jesus, Kate, you’re such a bitch. Luscious totally loves that. First Miss Moss upsets everybody being so thin she makes Linda Evangelista look like a cow; then is videotaped snorting about 40 lines of coke in 6 minutes and explains it by saying something like ‘what else am I gonna do with all this money, give it to charity?’, and  finally shows how sorry she is about it all by making an off-the-cuff remark that caused riots to break out at every Applebees in America. Kate Moss, you are our kind of trailer park kung fu bad girl.

Thusly, the Luscious girls immediately set to making Kate a complimentary batch of Chocolate Peanut Butter Badgirl Bars. Not to prove her wrong, because that’s obvious, but because Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer thought she deserved them, and that she also really needs to eat.

Just as they were dropping that package of bars in the FedEx box, Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer looked at each other, gasped in horror, and snatched those bars from the jaws of the dropbox at the last second. They’d both had the same horrible thought:

— Kate is going to go crazy for those  Bad Girl Bars — we already know she has an addictive personality — she’ll throw over cocaine in favor of chocolate and peanuts, eating them constantly and sometimes even pathetically trying to cook up her own bars, but never again getting the feeling of that first high — her weight will balloon, her modeling career will be over, and she start living on the streets– Anne-Charlotte and Jennifer will feel so bad about it that they’ll fly Kate to Texas, and let her take turns living with them in a sort of bizarre joint custody agreement…

…And then…

–constant exposure to Luscious baked goods will only worsen Kate’s addictions, and she’ll be constantly digging through the fridge wearing her heroin chic mini skirt and high-heeled boots, even though she now weighs 300 pounds–the Luscious husbands will be angrily saying “who ate all the Dr. Pepper Cake?? And all the bacon??!!” and the sad Luscious children will be saying “Mama, at school when I opened my lunchbox, somebody had already eaten everything” — photographers from the National Enquirer will always be skulking around the backyard trying to snap Kate’s picture for a joint article with Kirstie Ally and the captions will say things like “Kate Moss eats Texas State Capitol Building” — and it would just be really, really bad, y’all.

coke-onut

 

Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte are so completely rattled by what they’d almost unleashed, they can’t even look at chocolate or peanut butter right now. They can’t even think about brown sugar or egg yolks. So… This Thursday at Violet Crown Supper Club:  Coconut Cake with pineapple filling by the slice. Light, fluffy, and pure white as, um…

Not ready for our close-up

14 Thursday Jan 2010

Posted by in Luscious desserts

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Luscious Pastry will be guest-starring at Violet Crown Supper Club again today!  Stop by 1916 Redlands anytime from 4:30-6:30 this evening to grab some of the Fried’s stellar take-out fare, and don’t forget dessert: Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte baked up a big batch of their Chocolate Dulce de Leche Bars with Sea-Salt Caramel, which they are now calling Dulcitas, for short.  We think the Austin-American Statesman put it nicely when they described them as “a savory bar topped with chocolate dulce de leche, a drizzle of caramel and a sprinkle of salt.”  

Yes, this is the cookie that won the big Statesman cookie contest,  even garnering a picture on the front page of the Food section! This has been a big problem for the Luscious gals, because Jennifer is really sick of listening to Anne-Charlotte whine, moan, and complain about what a terrible picture it is. It use to be said that a lady should only appear in the newspaper 3 times: when she is born, when she dies, and when she is standing around looking like a total goofball and holding a big platter of cookies. Anne-Charlotte is on track with this, as you can see:

Who is that freak with the cookies?

 

Jennifer got tired of telling Anne-Charlotte “You don’t really look like a dork in real life, um, all that often,” and finally suggested that some light re-touching of the photo might make Miss ACP feel a whole lot better. The Luscious blog agrees, so as a special favor we gently made some light photographic tweaks that diminished some of the effects of harsh lighting and the deer-in-the-headlights-because-I-don’t-get-out-much facial expression. Here’s the new photo, see if you can spot the subtle airbrushing:

all better now!

 

Come get your Dulcitas today friends, and email yummy@lusciouspastry.com if you want some set aside for you– selling out is a distinct possibility.

Luscious gets lucky.

29 Tuesday Dec 2009

Posted by in Luscious holiday

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As a tiny child, Anne-Charlotte was taught that the eating of  black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day is imperative for good luck. Forgo the BEPs, and you better set your expectations for a spectacularly crummy year. This may sound like a silly Southern superstition, but consider the evidence. Late last December, Anne-Charlotte went to New Zealand and FORGOT that can of black eyed peas she meant to pack for New Year’s Day, and look what happened this year: the whole economy went completely to hell and Farrah Fawcett died. (Anne-Charlotte would like to apologize to everyone, especially Ryan O’Neal.)

So this year, to try to set things straight, Anne-Charlotte told Jennifer about her, um, idea that they should cook up a giant pot of excellent black-eyed peas, and Luscious Pastry could offer them for New Year’s Day, and it would be really funny in a politcally incorrect sort of way if they called them Anne-Charlotte’s The South Shall Rise Again Black-Eyed Peas. Oh dear. Jennifer gently explained that this was a very bad idea because A: that is a terrible name, what the hell are you thinking? B: black-eyed peas are, while tasty, not dessert, not Pastry, and not particularly Luscious; and  C: you can’t bring Farrah back.

 So in the end, Anne-Charlotte apologized for including a vaguely  offensive phrase on the blog that, rather than being funny, will in fact cause the Luscious site to get search engine hits from every lunatic skinhead in Alabama (although we expect a Bama-wide surge in political progressiveness and baking as a result), and suggested that Luscious just bake some scones. Now that sounds lucky. This weekend, you can usher in 2010 with a favorite from 2009: Luscious Cinnamon-Eggnog Scones. The eggnog season is almost over friends, and that means this is your last chance for these divine scones until next winter.  Mmmm, what a luscious beginning for a new year!
Half-dozen fresh-baked Cinnamon Eggnog Scones:  $9. Throw in a jar of Luscious Chai for just $9 also. Order at yummy@luscious.com.

And, here’s a little something for good luck…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwuSsOl7VoQ&feature=related

Safety first

16 Friday Oct 2009

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It may seem that Luscious has been a bit quiet lately, but as a matter of fact, Jennifer and Anne-Charlotte have been busy little beavers with business matters. They’ve been having grown-up meetings with people, filling out tedious paperwork for this and that, and they even got a checking account and credit card together. Jennifer said Anne-Charlotte could keep the credit card, but first Jennifer made her promise not to use it for Dolly Parton CD’s (“You have enough!”) and outfits consisting of age-inappropriately tight clothing (“You have way more than enough!”) .

The Luscious gals have also recently received their food handler and kitchen manager training and certification from the fair City of Austin. This helpful training taught, among other things, that compulsive handwashing is not necessarily a sign of a mental disaorder, but is in fact perfectly okay!  Cleanliness-conscious Luscious finds this reassuring, especially since at least one member of the Luscious team washes her hands so often that the FBI once had difficulty fingerprinting her….but let’s not go into that.

But the best part of the training, far and away, was this “What not to do in the kitchen” graphic. No humorous introduction needed, it speaks for itself.

Can you spot the trouble spots here?

Do you see anything amiss here?

 

Wow, is that not the best thing you’ve seen all week? You know, Luscious actually did not need to “scroll over the arrows” in the picture to note that one should not smoke while preparing food, or allow one’s pet cat, however adorable and tired, to sleep on the food prep counter. Also, probably not a good a idea to just leave that raw steak laying around. But we would like to know what’s in the chef’s pink cup.

But don’t worry, with everything going on, we still have time to bake for you.  This very weekend, Luscious Pastry will be offering our fine Pecan Pie Bars as part of the concessions for our neighborhood’s play, Rumplestilskin. That’s tomorrow, food at 4pm and play at 5pm, at the Brentwood Park Stage. Both the bars and the play will be fabulous. ALSO– do you need something toothsome to take to that Halloween party? Wouldn’t a dozen Bleeding Devil’s Food Cupcakes be just the thing? Luscious can hook you up, email us at yummy@lusciouspastry.com.

The King and I

14 Friday Aug 2009

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The Jungle Room at Graceland

The Jungle Room

Luscious has something serious to talk to you about, dear friends. As we are sure you are well aware, this coming Sunday, August 16th marks the 32nd anniversary of the death of the King, Elvis Presley. You may think we’re kidding when we say we get a little misty-eyed this time of year, but no — we don’t kid around about Elvis.  Even though we were just tots when the tragedy occurred, we remember just exactly where we were when we found out Elvis had died ( driveway of Aunt Diane’s house, mid-afternoon, Garland, Texas). We remember the tasteful gilt-edged Elvis Presley salt-and-pepper-shakers we acquired on a pilgrimage to Graceland at the tender age of 21. We also remember the party where we nearly got in a fistfight with the art director of WIRED magazine because he dismissed Graceland as nothing but “kitsch”. Um, yeah Black-Turtleneck Boy, if YOU decorated the living room of your modernist San Francisco home with a wall fountain and animal prints and plastic greenery, it would be “kitschy” and you would also probably deserve an ass-whoopin’. But when Elvis did it, it wasFREAKING AWESOME.

 Okay, sorry, we’re getting a little worked up here. Really, the point is, there’s only been one person on the planet who could  TCB-in-a-Flash by striking kung fu poses in a spangly, sparkly, bell-bottomed white jumpsuit and look very, very cool doing it, and that person is dead, y’all.

Well, we imagine you’re feeling a little sad now, too. All you can do is take a deep breath and say to yourself “WWED?”  That’s what Luscious does. And we’re pretty sure we know what he’d do.

Available this weekend only, Peanut Butter and Fried Banana Ice Cream. $5 a pint, place  your order at apatterson@southerncombustion.com.

Luscious: the 4-letter word edition.

25 Thursday Jun 2009

Posted by in Luscious desserts, Luscious holiday

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photo by Jack Wayne Cooksey

Red, White, and Blueberry. Photo by Jack Wayne Cooksey

Yeah, it’s hot.

“How hot is it?”  Well, Luscious is gonna tell you.  Basically, it’s hot as hell. It’s so hot that the when the weather channel switches to the local Austin forecast, instead of a little sun picture, they now show a drawing of a person engulfed in flames. It’s so hot that you could get away with dressing like those trampy chicks from “Rock of Love” by blaming it on the heat. (Luscious already tried this and it worked great! Well…okay, it wasn’t Jennifer.) It’s hot enough to peel the goddamn paint off the goddamn walls. It’s definitely hot enough to get away with swear words in a blog. It’s WAY too hot to bake. Unless a person’s f**king crazy…or they’re Luscious.

After all, our favorite temperature is 350 degrees, especially when there’s butter and sugar involved. So with all this gorgeous summer fruit to be had and the Independence Day weekend coming up, Luscious figures it’s our birthright as U.S. citizens to crank up the AC and bake cobblers all damn day if we want to. And yum, we want to!  Fellow Americans, we are taking orders for star-spangled cobblers…and cookies! The details:

Luscious 4th of July cookiesThe cobblers ($14) are full-size– about 6 big servings, and the flavors, mmm… Ginger Peach or Berry-Berry-Berry.  Luscious knows that a cobbler’s best friend is homemade ice cream, so we’ve got that too: Honey-Vanilla by the pint ($5), friends. That should be enough  scrumptiousness for one week, but remember we’re crazy: we are also offering sweet star-shaped sugar cookies by the dozen ($6)– perfect nibbles for fireworks-gazing.

To order or inquire about our 4th of July cobbler, ice cream, and cookies, email us at annecharlottep@gmail.com by Tuesday, June 30th. All orders will be available for pickup from 4-6pm at Anne-Charlotte’s on July 2nd (or we can work out other arrangements– whatever it takes to get you your Luscious.)  Jeepers, we almost forgot to tell you– drop by your own 8x8ish pan for your cobbler, and we’ll knock a buck off the price. We’re environmental like that.

One last, very sincere note. Luscious Pastry is off to an amazingly successful start, and we are so, so grateful to everyone who has been supporting us by eating our goodies or reading the blog or cheering us on. Wow, we love you, too! Truly.